I wrote the following a couple of weeks ago. I've really enjoyed writing and I think I am finding my 'voice' as 2 of my closest friends call it who are also professional writers, editors and wonderful women I've known since we were 1o. I was tentative to post it but what the heck, here it is in it's raw and unedited form:
Starbucks
Coffee – I really don’t drink coffee. I think I’m supposed to drink coffee. As a kid, all the adults drank coffee; to me it was a sign of maturity. I went to college and everyone was drinking coffee – hey you’re on your own, you’re not really a grown up but we can act like grown up, let’s drink coffee. Not me, but I was sure that when I finally grew up I would one day drink coffee.
Inherently though I’m lazy, at least as far as coffee goes. Here’s the deal. Coffee is a pain in the ass to make. You gotta put the filter in, put the coffee in, dump in the right amount of water and then wait, then you pour it out and have to add in milk and a sweetener, and to top it all off you gotta clean up. What the fuck, that’s a lot of work just to get pumped up for your day, so in my inherent laziness and ingenuity I pop a Diet Coke as I walk out the door and voila I have caffeine…this isn’t rocket science kids.
So I’ve lived my adult life that way. Sure, I’ll drink coffee, but it’s at a business meeting, a client breakfast or after dinner with dessert, you know, basic adult stuff…but the key here is I do not work to get the coffee, so why not drink it.
This is all good until I encountered Starbucks. Now, Starbucks has been around a long time and I have avoided it like the plague. The few times I have ventured or been forced in it has been VERY uncomfortable. I had NO idea what to do and there was no one willing to help. The Starbucks aliens that work there are very friendly to their ‘kind’ but you introduce a human being to the counter that can’t say “Venti, decaf, quad something, something with a this or that” and they think you just landed. So, on the few times I had to go I just say “medium coffee” and I could feel the entire line and staff just laughing there asses off.
All of this changed in the winter of 2007. We were visiting my brother-in-law’s family in South Florida and I need to run out to the store for some wine, wine by the way I do thank you very much, and my sister-in-law says she’s dying for Starbucks can I get her something. Sure, no problem they are right next door to each other, WRITE DOWN what you want… no way am I approaching that counter without written directions. So I walk in and wait my turn, rehearsing my lines…”Grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte, Grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte”. It’s my turn and I nail it, like I’ve been doing it all my life. I’m freaking Michael Jordan hitting an 18 ft. jumper to win the NBA Championship; I’m Tiger Woods…never mind.
I strut out of the Starbucks, head held high, with Melissa’s grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte and I feel I need to take a sip…uh oh…I like it, I mean really like it. Here I am now 8 weeks later and 3 or 4 days a week going to Starbucks and ordering a grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte. I even giggle when some yahoo can’t figure out what to order. I’ve become the alien, assimilated into the borg….the kicker…I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I AM DRINKING…to this day, and I’m not asking.
Coffee – I really don’t drink coffee. I think I’m supposed to drink coffee. As a kid, all the adults drank coffee; to me it was a sign of maturity. I went to college and everyone was drinking coffee – hey you’re on your own, you’re not really a grown up but we can act like grown up, let’s drink coffee. Not me, but I was sure that when I finally grew up I would one day drink coffee.
Inherently though I’m lazy, at least as far as coffee goes. Here’s the deal. Coffee is a pain in the ass to make. You gotta put the filter in, put the coffee in, dump in the right amount of water and then wait, then you pour it out and have to add in milk and a sweetener, and to top it all off you gotta clean up. What the fuck, that’s a lot of work just to get pumped up for your day, so in my inherent laziness and ingenuity I pop a Diet Coke as I walk out the door and voila I have caffeine…this isn’t rocket science kids.
So I’ve lived my adult life that way. Sure, I’ll drink coffee, but it’s at a business meeting, a client breakfast or after dinner with dessert, you know, basic adult stuff…but the key here is I do not work to get the coffee, so why not drink it.
This is all good until I encountered Starbucks. Now, Starbucks has been around a long time and I have avoided it like the plague. The few times I have ventured or been forced in it has been VERY uncomfortable. I had NO idea what to do and there was no one willing to help. The Starbucks aliens that work there are very friendly to their ‘kind’ but you introduce a human being to the counter that can’t say “Venti, decaf, quad something, something with a this or that” and they think you just landed. So, on the few times I had to go I just say “medium coffee” and I could feel the entire line and staff just laughing there asses off.
All of this changed in the winter of 2007. We were visiting my brother-in-law’s family in South Florida and I need to run out to the store for some wine, wine by the way I do thank you very much, and my sister-in-law says she’s dying for Starbucks can I get her something. Sure, no problem they are right next door to each other, WRITE DOWN what you want… no way am I approaching that counter without written directions. So I walk in and wait my turn, rehearsing my lines…”Grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte, Grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte”. It’s my turn and I nail it, like I’ve been doing it all my life. I’m freaking Michael Jordan hitting an 18 ft. jumper to win the NBA Championship; I’m Tiger Woods…never mind.
I strut out of the Starbucks, head held high, with Melissa’s grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte and I feel I need to take a sip…uh oh…I like it, I mean really like it. Here I am now 8 weeks later and 3 or 4 days a week going to Starbucks and ordering a grande nonfat 2 Splenda latte. I even giggle when some yahoo can’t figure out what to order. I’ve become the alien, assimilated into the borg….the kicker…I have NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK I AM DRINKING…to this day, and I’m not asking.
1 comment:
HA! That was some enjoyable reading! I can completely relate to the Starbucks aliens. I walk in and order a black "flavor of the day" coffee and people look at you like you are the alien. It always cracks me up as I wait in line to get my coffee to hear the millions of ways that people order a coffee. What a phenomenon.
Way to go on your weight loss...2-5 lbs a month is very healty weight loss!
mark
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